19 November 2019

Tuesday, 6:30 pm.

I think ; I think more about love whenever I am stressed. Being single isn’t a problem or is one sometimes…. But that’s like 50-50. The thing is when I was too young rather say when I was a child i.e of age less than 12 , those years were so precious, everyone just considered me I was a silent one and yeah!! I was one . But I had both peaceful mind and nature. The real controversy happened later, a peaceful nature with confused face, fake smile , broken trust & a stormy mind . The complexity that I had brought with me is now overcoming me. Rather I wanted to conquer all the devils I have but sometimes situations come up. We think we should have at least one person with whom we can share our views or rather who can calm down our stormy mind . Handling this situation is a bit challenging but I tell myself everytime that mom-dad love me a lot; but..Haha!! as always a “but” is there, sometimes the storm breaks me down . I can’t say all the things to my mom-dad …I don’t want to disturb them, no doubt they care for me, but I can’t always tell them what’s going inside me. It hurts!!! It hurts a lot whenever there is no one to understand us. I am alone…struggling to overcome all the flaws that reside within me. And as always this situation leaves me with only one option i.e. to write down my feelings. It makes me feel better. I hope if I wasn’t the one to suffer with all these things. But no one can help it out. So!!!!๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ™‚just wait for the right things to come…..

2 November 2019

Saturday , 10.19pm.

Tomorrow I am going; going back to the days that are adventurous or rather that made me alone. Aloneness; it’s my partner, you can call best friend as it never leaves me. It held my hand when I was 14. Let it be, about tomorrow its ok as I am going to hostel it will feel a slight bad leaving my family but I am used to it , but….I wanted a good dinner I mean all sitting together smiling, laughing and all. But….my brother spoiled it. And all anger that came along was to be sprinkled on me as I was going to be the feast of my aloneness. But still…. I am living. What a sarcasm?? Haha!!! Not really bad I think. I wanted smiles & laughs, I was really thinking to talk with my family all sitting TOGETHER and about my tears of leaving all of them; I had saved them for night as usual. But all the laughter and talks were just added in the form of tears to my night crying ritual….

The thing that I show to my family and friends is ” I am cold hearted….I don’t feel anything ” . Really!!!!!…. I feel everything but I don’t show. But ….. haha as always there’s a ‘ but ‘ in my everything; any way that’s not the point….. the thing is I want to be cold hearted so that I will be able to live. I think this thought is a complete contradiction to the definition of living but still ….. I NEED IT….

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